Thoughts approaching 1 am.

It's late. A typical night in Edinburgh - taxis drifting up and down the Cowgate, picking up the revelers as they stumble out of the nearby pubs and clubs, often with raised voices to match their raised spirits (and blood alcohol level). And there's me, pyjamas on but with no intention of sleeping yet. Hair thrown back, glasses on, laptop open in front of me. My phone sits to my left in order for me to continue the multiple vaguely anonymous games of virtual scrabble I'm currently involved in, and to my right is a half full mug of strong, sweet black coffee.

One more reading, I tell myself. One more, then it's bedtime. It doesn't matter. I know that I've lost my concentration again. There's a surprising amount in one small room that can distract you when you know you should be focused. It seems I tend to put a lot of work into not working. Only when there's something I know I should be doing do I realise that there are dishes to wash, cupboards to tidy, carpets to vacuum, nails to paint. Like I say, anything to not be working.

The problem with this mindset, as you can imagine, is that when it comes down to it, the point when really, something needs to be done, the motivation is fleeting. I manage a few sentences of M Eggleton's research on New Religious Movements and then suddenly, I recall that song I haven't downloaded yet or that tv episode that just aired, and I'm off again on another mindless pursuit of something not related to my real life.

Then I start to wonder: why is that? What is it that makes me look for distractions, not only when it comes to coursework, but with everything? I mean, there's nothing in my life that is so horrible that I feel the need to escape from it into some fantasy world, thank goodness. Maybe I'm just uninterested. I mean, I do enjoy myself, and I care about my friends and family, but sometimes I wonder what it is I'm doing with my life. How did I get here? When I was younger I always knew what I wanted to be. Granted, that did change fairly regularly but there was always something to aim for: nurse, vet, teacher, doctor, lawyer. I did get more ambitious as I got older, it seems. Nowadays though, I have no idea what I want. I don't even know what I can do with the degree I've chosen other than be a teacher or interpreter, neither of which hold great appeal if I'm honest.

So what happens when you lose interest in life? Pick your favourite school subject, because you know you want to go to university, you just don't know what for. Drift along, getting maximum results from minimal effort (although this theory will fail you in your last year of school. That doesn't matter, you're already moving on to the next step). Get lost in a world of French grammar, historical linguistics, subtitled films, alcohol (let's be honest, I am a student), analysing cults and learning about efforts to teach monkeys to talk. Why? Because what else are you going to do with yourself?

So, one more reading before bed. Or another coffee and an episode of Firefly. One day I'll find my calling.

Procrastination, or An Update On Life.

Well hey there.

I feel like I only write blogs when I should be doing something else, but oh well. An effective form of procrastination methinks.

So I have now started uni, and to be honest I'm not really sure what I think of it yet. Yes, I am enjoying myself and yes, my courses are interesting, but I sort of feel like it's not really my life - the whole thing is kind of surreal. That seems to be one of the questions I'm asked most often these days though - "how are you enjoying uni?" For months in the lead up to it I got "Are you looking forward to uni?" and "What are you going to study?" and "Which uni are you going to?" and "Where will you be staying?" about forty times a day. I couldn't wait to get here so that people wouldn't feel the need to ask these same questions over and over, and they don't anymore - they've just been replaced with a different set.

I'm not complaining though. I like meeting people and talking to them just as much as the next person, and I ask the same questions to everyone else. I suppose it's the one thing we all know about each other without being told - we're students. Which feels very strange to say.

In other news, I am also now 18 which means I can do lots of fun stuff I couldn't do before (read: get plastered). The only not-so-good thing about this is that my bank balance has taken quite a hit since August and as I have moved away from Stirling, I no longer have a job! I've been looking in Edinburgh (where I now live) but, if I'm honest, I haven't really committed myself to the search (which is very, very bad I know). So right now I'm sitting trying to update my CV (I say trying because, well, I'm obviously not doing very well if I'm sitting writing a blog). I really need someone to stand behind me and tell me to focus on my work - I can be hardworking (honestly!) but I'm SO easily distracted.

I have a feeling this year is not going to go well...

Sometimes it's hard...

Sometimes it's hard to get along with someone when all you can do is dwell on their mistakes.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart whenever your head is full of other people's crap.

Sometimes it's hard to say what's really on your mind when you know who's going to be judging you, and what they'll be thinking.

But it's always easy to find peace if you just let it go and breathe.

When my brain fails me, I blog...

Argh. Life is rather stressful at the minute. Too much to do, too little time. Plus I think there's something up with my left shoulder - it keeps giving me weird pains D: but if I complain about it with the current state of my mum's back.... Trust me, it's not worth the hassle.

I'm honestly considering forgoing uni and becoming a bum instead. The application process is just too damn confusing. That's along with the sheer impossibilty of finding enough good things to write in a personal statement!
Ihavenopersonalqualitesofnote. I've honestly been grovelling about msn all night trying to find out what people really think of me (lol).

On a happier note, I've been getting out more recently but this actually adds to the general busyness of life these days. I went to Glasgow to see Tommy Reilly last weekend and he was amazing! But the support was equally as good, if not better - Pearl and the Puppets, here they are if you havent heard of them (her? idk):



The next day we went straight from Glasgow to the Edinburgh Uni open day (I reallyreallyreally want to go there...) which left me just Sunday to do LOTS of homework. This did NOT go down well with the parent figures, but ah well, what can they expect? I could be sitting at home spending all my time on the...wait, never mind :P

I've somehow become an unofficial agony aunt to the long-haired young lads from my school as well, which is a bit weird. I'm not sure how it happened but now I get to hear all their problems. I suppose it's nice that I seem like the kind of person you can talk to about stuff, but I am honestly the worst for advice. I mean the WORST. Awkward situations ho...

More stuff to do this coming week as well...
-tomorrow, birthday dinner for my friend then party at resident bunny-boiler's house (should be interesting)
-saturday, Tommy Reilly (again! I know...) is in Stirling so I'll be seeing him :D
-monday, dance workshop with the too faced dance company (drool...)
-wednesday, work after school
-friday, too faced are doing a show which I am absolutely going to see

But for now, I have a personal statement to write....

Exhaustion...

So I've been very tired this past week or so, and I still can't figure out quite why. I think I've been doing too much, but my mum would probably disagree xD

Before I say anything else, I went to see the RSNO today and they were amazing, so much that I'm going to show you. Here.


Ok, moving on. Last week I started rehearsals for the local schools concert, which is basically a big mash-up orchestra/choir from all the schools nearby. I'm in the choir, of course...I haven't played an orchestral instrument since I parted ways with my somewhat unpleasant violin teacher (she threw a book at me and made me cry. Not on the same day). So that involves some intensely long, boring hours after school, but it's pretty amazing the way we can just be handed music, have the tune played once, and everybody's harmonizing perfectly straight away. This is why I don't like my own school's choir: it's full of tone-deaf 13 year olds. Although a senior girl's choir just started which is bound to be way better.

Enough about choirs though. I also started a new job last week, working for an organisation called Kumon. Basically, they give extra help to kids after school for English and Maths, and I get paid £5 an hour to sit and mark the work they hand in. Pretty nice, except when there's a million kids and they all hand their work to me, resulting in a line of impatient children huffing in front of me while I frantically toss answer books around. Even the well-organised boss said it was a 'baptism of fire', which I kind of understand...

Also, just wondering, who's bright idea was it to give Postman Pat a helicopter? A helicopter? Really??

It's been a while...

Hey there, crazy kids!


...So, um, 3 months? 4? Good thing I don't get paid for this!!

Well, so much has been going on! Really, honestly! So because of that, I'm afraid this post will be in list format (argh! I know, I hate lists too!)

- I sat my Highers and (pretty much) passed them all! Results included an A in French, c'etait fantastique! I did fail History, but that could be changed in the next few weeks.
- I didn't tell him anything...In the end it really wasn't worth the hassle!
- Visited Rome with my church youth group at the start of the summer...new favourite city!!! Have a pic...
- Spent another 3 weeks in Italy with the family, good times were had! And mine and Niamh's Torta Della Nonna kicked arse!
- Went to see U2 at Hampden. That was a bloody brilliant show!
- Got twitter
- Turned 17!! This, I think, is the biggest news and still needs some celebrating. Care to join me?


I still haven't started driving lessons yet, mainly for the reason that I don't have a provisional licensce yet. I really need to get me one of those...

Also, in the next few months I'm going to see Tommy Reilly and Florence and the Machine. Considering adding Regina Spektor to this...thoughts?

Happy Days

This is my wee brother playing basketball. Isn't he cute? Shame he can beat me or else he might be my favourite!

I kid, of course.

But really, today turned out pretty good. Considering that when I woke up I didn't have the will power to actually get out of bed, and not just because I love my bed. But after I read my history textbook for a bit and ate some rice krispies, things started to look up. I still got beat at basketball by a midget six-year-old, though.

Also, my head is in a muddle. And of course, taking centre stage is him. Do I like him? Should I tell him? Is it worth it when he's possibly/probably seeing someone else who is ten times more attractive and sluttier than me? It sucks.

Then there's exams. I need a whole other brain to deal with exams right now. Every time I sit one, I feel as though it should be the last, but oh wait, here's more to ruin my fun. Surely that's just wrong when I only have five subjects. I've done four so far and I feel like there is no chance I've passed any of them, so, no uni for me! My dreams of a law degree will never be realised...

I don't really think I have anything else to say, if I think of anything I'll let you know.

P.S. Random fun fact I just found out today at the age of 16 years and 9 months, when I was born my right ear was fused to my head and it only came away because my mum gradually pried it off during feeding sessions. Craaazy.